Because I was cruel
I took a rough trip down memory lane the other day when an old friend sent me an email that brought up some distant memories. I'm sure that all of us have done things that we're ashamed of and would rather have handled better, or have treated people badly and wished that we could take it back. What makes some of these rememberances so hard is the realization that you hurt someone, truly hurt someone, who didn't deserve it. I did this through my own selfishness and foolishness.I dated a guy my freshman year of college and we fell really, really hard for each other. It started over the course of a semester, and, once we actually started seeing each other, things happened so fast. We were coming to the point in our relationship where we were starting to plan our college careers, athletic obligations and lives around each other. And then I did something incredibly, astronomically stupid. I allowed myself to be manipulated and, instead of following my heart and doing what I knew was right, I tried to keep everyone happy, and in the process, this person got hurt. We went our seperate ways and I eventually transferred to a different school. He searched me out through mutual friends, against the advice of those mutual friends and several aquaintences, and we talked a few times after that. We reconciled and he said he forgave me, however many times I stated that I didn't deserve to be forgiven, and, although we wanted to see if we could give it another try, we were states apart and weren't in an financial position to go see each other. We discussed saving up to do so and I made a few promises that I think he doubted I could follow through on. He really did want to see me get rid of this certain aspect of my life that was very destructive and hurtful, not so much because it would have made room for him to come back into my life, but because he is a very caring person and knew that I was wasting my time and, eventually, would be put into a very bad position. It turns out he was right. I followed through on my promises, and, through events that I should have been smart enough to foresee, was forced to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I came back up to school at UAF with the intent of transferring as soon as I was accepted to a school closer to him. Time went by and I never heard from him again, which, I believe, was the way things were meant to be. I've never really felt that I adequately apoligized for how badly I'd hurt him, though. I've replayed incidents in my mind and honestly, there's no excuse for what I did. It was wrong, unfair, and terribly hurtful. The fact that I was young, naive and had greater consideration for myself than for others only makes it worse. It's memories like these that make us see how far we've come, how much we've grown and how, no matter how much you wish it, there are some things that you'll never get to make right.
So - to Jason, who I'm sure will never know that this is here, I'm so sorry and I hope you found the happiness and fulfillment that you truly deserve, and to Shorty, thank you for helping me to discover what it's like to love someone else more than you love yourself.
posted by Arctic Skipper @ 2:45 PM
3 Comments:
Oh, the book-length apologies I could write to the lengthy roster of people who really deserve an apology from me. I think back on some of the things I did in high school and college--not out of meannness, but mostly out of thoughtlessness--and I cannot believe the person I was. I almost think the thoughtlessness was a worse crime than meannness would have been, because it shows how little I was thinking of others, and how self-absorbed I was. I have one boyfriend in particular I'd like to apologize to; a really sweet, good person who loved me, who I really should have treated with more respect.
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