Dear Terrible Mother With Screaming Child:
I'm sorry that your child is teething, has indegestion, won't stop poking needles into his/her eye, passes the time by trying to develope his/her lung capacity or is just throwing a general temper tantrum. Having never had a baby myself, I'm sure it's rather trying and requires an unlimited amount of patience. I feel for you, I really do. Dedicating the remaining 50 or so years of your life to the child you helped create is a pretty big commitment, and, coming from someone who has issues choosing her toe nail polish because it may not go with the outfit she's planning on wearing tomorrow, that's a rather selfless and impressive decision. However. (Yes, here it comes.) Going hand in hand with the obligation of having a child comes the requirements of actually caring for that child. You can't just pop them out and expect them to take care of themselves. Crying is usually an indication that something is wrong and, as the child is not old enough to adequately express in words what the problem is, you get to play the guessing game of do I need to change a diaper, do I need to feed you, should I burp you, do you need to be cuddled, etc. Or so I've been told. As you've chosen to, instead, spend the past 30 minutes wandering around the store across the hall, giggling with your little friend, scoping out charms and checking out boys, I'm assuming that you must either be deaf or have the mental capacity of a container of peanut butter because, obviously, simply jiggling the baby carrier you're carrying isn't working!!! Now, those of us who have to work in the mall and are getting a first hand glimpse of your inadequate parenting skills are getting a little frustrated. I understand that kids cry. It's a perfectly natural, even expected, reaction. I'll admit I'm not the most qualified person to be giving you advice, but if the kid doesn't stop screaming after you jiggle the carrier, you may want to try something else, such as, oh, possibly actually paying some attention to the poor thing?? Maybe this is asking a little too much of someone of your obviously limited mental aptitude, but the sounds coming from that baby carrier aren't healthy. All of my maternal instincts are completely monopolized by my kittens, but even I am starting to become concerned. I don't quite know what to do with an upset baby at my current age, much less 10 years ago when I was your age, but I do know that there are books on parenting, which can be quite helpful. I suggest you read up on a few helpful solutions for how to make your baby stop doing his/her impersonation of a cat on fire before I am forced to cram my stapler in my ear!
posted by Arctic Skipper @ 3:08 PM
4 Comments:
Thanks! I'm considering cramming it down her throat . . .
Note to Lindsey: Next time, walk calmly up to her with your cell phone and ask her if she's deaf. When she replies "No," inform her that neither are you, the person manning the charm store, your coworkers and pretty much anyone within a 100 foot radius that can plainly hear the poor baby crying. At that time, point to your phone and tell her that she needs to attend to her screaming child, because you're pretty sure that the OCS worker who answers your phone call isn't going to be deaf either.
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