Wednesday, January 04, 2006

I am a very responsible drinker

It's occured to me that I've discussed being drunk on multiple occasions in my blog. And I've only had it for a couple of months. As many of my family memebers read this, and I have a healthy fear of the beatings they can deal out, I've been rather careful in censoring my language and content to maintain that image of sweet, adorable innocence that I've painstakingly cultivated over the past 27 years. But every once in a while I'll read Stephaine's or Rit's blog, become my normal obnixious, crude, sassy self, and it will be reflected in my posts. That's why I've decided to dedicate this post to assuring my family that, while I do, in fact, on occasion, drink an alcoholic beverage or two, (or twelve) I am a very responsible drinker. (We'll deal with my despicable habit of cursing like a sailor in another post.)

Most of the time that I drink, it's at my home. Alone. While reading fashion magazines depicting air-brushed models that will always be prettier, smarter and more fashionable than I. Okay, not really. Hee hee! Wow, this whole 'admitting your sins' thing is fun! When do we get to the porn star career and gun running? Really, though, most of the time we're drinking, we've invited a few friends over and we're playing fun drinking games like poker, Scene It, Russian Roulette, Ride The Moose Walking Across The Front Yard and Jump Off The Roof And Into The Snow Burm Before The Snow Plow Gets There, or watching incredibly violent things like boxing and Ultimate Fighting. We have a very nice guest room which I've dedicated two days of my life decorating and several couches as well as a nice selection of fuzzy blankies and sleeping bags, so in the event that someone's had a little too much to drink, they can always stay the nite and head home in the morning. (This way they're still around The Day After to clean up the mess in the bath tub . . . . ) The majority of the time we have designate drivers (like Sheilah) who decide to remain sober in order to (apply a black permanent marker to the face and portruding body parts of the first sucker who passes out) play chauffer for those of us who've decided to get inebriated. (Ohh, ooh, pick me! Pick me!)

On the occasion that we decide to go somewhere outside of our home and drink, I continue my endevour to be a responsible drinker by doing several things. I always put double sided sticky tape on the inside of my underwear. This makes peeing a bit difficult, but who won't end up embarrassing her boyfriend by stripping down and dancing bucky ass nekkid on top of the first available table or bar? Me, that's who. Because I'm a responsible drinker.

I also mark my beer or cup so I'll know which is mine. How is this being responsible? Well, by marking my beverage I don't sustain the risk of forgetting which drink is mine and grabbing the closest cup and swigging down the backwash of some random party-goer. See, I'm a responsible drinker.

I also make sure that my toenails are nicely painted before leaving the house. That's right, I'll never be caught having to bare a nasty, chipped pedicure because I had to remove my shoes after barfing on them. Why? Because no one likes a messy-footed drunk, and I'm a responsible drinker.

And finally, I always make sure to have some form of ID on me in case I pass out and am found by one of the three people in Fairbanks who don't know who I am. I usually have my college ID in my back pocket, but I've also found it very helpful to print the phrase "If found drunk and passed out, please return to Shorty Williams at *insert my address here*' on my forehead in permanent marker.

So, now that I've finally admitted to my family that I do, in fact, drink, I hope I've calmed all your fears with this truthful, honest, forthcoming post about why I am a responsible drinker.

(The picture is of me enjoying a frosty cold Miller Lite, which I no longer drink, because it tastes like ass. I HEART BUD LITE!)

posted by Arctic Skipper @ 6:54 PM