This could have been me!
I received this email story from a friend, and now consider myself duly warned. I just thought I'd pass it on (along with the requisite commentary in blue.) The crap we chicks put ourselves through to look hot!
One Woman's Tale of Woe
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,painless removal - The epilady, (which was invented by the Devil) scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, playwith the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mindfor the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of themedicine cabinet. (I, too, have had this seemingly innocent thought prance through my head.) "So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. (Which sounds too good to be true, as it goes completely against everything that nature intended.) No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel themapart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get outthe hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneakback into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my who-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious... Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me somuch pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? (Ut-oh!)
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up onthe toilet? I know I need to do something. (NOO!! Don't do it!!!) So I put my foot down. (She did it.)
DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! (NICE!)
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,right???*
WRONG!!!!!!!*I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, ishaving them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to havea phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown andshe suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. We go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to loseat this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the crap out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. " It works!! IT WORKS!! " I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......
As Rhonda so aptly put it, 'wax is for candles! And after reading this, it will stay that way for me.' Amen, sister!
posted by Arctic Skipper @ 1:01 PM
7 Comments:
OMG I know this wasnt funny.and as a guy, i shouldnt be laughing. but tears of laughter i tell ya, tears. im still laughing. i am so sorry.
Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
This must be why I don't get a lot of second dates. Now you tell me....
Things like this make me very happy to be a guy.
Skipper !!! where you hiding you just missed a big drinking social over at my place.
dang it next time i'll send invites ;)
"hope everything is good with ya"
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What a great site »
OMG. that is the funniest thing I have ever read. I suffered a similar incident last night. Trying to get the whole brazilian look. I decided I would rather go thru childbirth again then go back to waxing.
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