The Night My Boyfriend Tried To Kill Me
I actually made dinner last night - without burning anything!!! Yes, this really is a momentous occastion in my life. I pan-fried three boneless, skinless chicken breasts in extra light olive oil, steamed a veggie medley of carrots, green beens and corn, and added steamed rice. Sounds pretty healthy, right? It was - right up until the point that I put it all in the pan and mixed in a garlic herb white sauce - which, in my defense, also had a lot of protein in it! There was a lot of fat, too, but we'll just leave that part out. The main point is, I made dinner last night, I didn't burn a thing, our kitchen didn't catch fire, there was no gaping tear in the space/time continuum and everything actually tasted really good.
In my quest to prepare a yummy, healthy dinner, I foolishly forgot one very, very, vitally important aspect - the effect great quantities of protein have on Shorty's tummy. The gurguling sounds that I heard shortly after dinner had me a bit worried, but he made several trips to the bathroom, so I fooled myself into thinking that I would be safe that night. I rarely am able to bust out a noteworthy ass bomb, but the overabundance of protein in my dinner must have had some kind of affect on me as well, because I succeeded in making Shorty, the Fart King, cough a few times in complaint, and I was feeling pretty good about myself.
Later that night, as I was innocently occupied in the master bathroom, washing my face and taking out my contacts, little did I know that as Shorty was curling himself into bed with the spoiled furballs, he was plotting my demise.
Looking back at everything, I should have been alerted by the fact that Ariel and Jazz simultaniously launched off the bed and rushed out of the room, but, being the innocent, sweet, naive individual that I am, I checked that our alarm was set, slid under the blankets and curled up next to my cute boyfriend. All was quiet for a few humming seconds, until Shorty gently fluttered the sheets, rolled over, wrapped his arms around me and draped a leg over mine. Foolishly thinking that he was just being sweet, I snuggled into his arms, took a deep breath, sighed - and choked at the noxious fumes wafting from beneath our sheets! My nose hairs were singed, my eyes were beginning to water and I couldn't breathe!! As darkness slowly started closing in and I gasped in vain for a clean breath of air, I dimly heard Shorty softly chuckle and whisper into my ear, "You've been served!"
posted by Arctic Skipper @ 5:44 PM
7 Comments:
Okay, first of all, you two are a romantic bunch. Second, I'm buying both of you butt plugs, assuming somebody acutally makes these trinkets and it's not merely a slang word that I use on a daily basis that is completely unfounded in reality or Webster's. Third, it's 'continuum' not 'continuom' or 'cuntinuom'. hee hee
You know...people on sinking boats used to follow the direction of the rats to get away from the water and get up to the air...perhaps you should start following the felines?
Oh...and my bet's on the veggies. Too much protein clogs you up, not gasses you out. Veggies are the hugely undigestable culprit I'm guessing. I'll be sending you some Bean-O with your butt plugs.
This is amazing...I was going to make reference to both butt plugs, veggies, and correct your spelling of continuum....
Oh yeah....and I like the way your boyfriend thinks. High quality flatulence should always be shared.....
st...you da person (cuz I don't know you or if you have boobs or a ding dong...)
Wonder twin powers ACTIVATE!!! st, in the form of a dictionary and butt plugs...alaskan barbie girl...in the form of Bean-O!!!
We have officially saved the Universe, st. Great minds think alike.
Why does it have to be one or the other?
Until I drop another 20 pounds, it's both!
Unless you are going to heave threads installed, wouldn't wearing a buttpug be analagous to loading a cannon?
Thank you, TFG. While these two are busy making smart ass wise cracks at my expense, you're the only one who seems to truly appreciate the violence of my situation. (I've been thinking of sealing his butt shut with crazy glue.)
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