Dear Terrible Driver Who Never Should Have Been Issued A Driver's License:
I've seen you on the road, driving 20 miles below the speed limit, in the fast lane, babbling on your cell phone and blithely ignoring the 'salutes' and honking horns from passing motorists, and I thought that, in the interest of your own health and my sanity, I should bring up a couple of suggestions to you. There are actually certain unspoken laws that you seem to be ignorant of, and I thought I'd get my good deed of the day out of the way and remind you of a few little helpful 'rules' of the road.~ the left hand lane is what we call the 'passing' lane. It's also referred to as the 'fast' lane. 'Fast', as in 'going over the speed limit' not under it. If you're cruising along in the left hand lane and you see another motorist, who's obviously going faster than you, coming up behind you, the appropriate thing to do is signal and merge into the other lane, thereby getting the hell out of the way!!! It's very commendable that you follow the letter of the law and don't choose to go over the speed limit. There are, however, other drivers who may decide to be a little daring and go a couple of miles over the speed limit in order to arrive at their desitinations a little sooner. It would behoove you to get your Subaru out of the way, else you may find yourself the recipient of the one finger salute.
~ God invented turning signals to inform the rest of us of your turning intentions. Turn signals should also be used when you're changing lanes. Don't glare at me, flip me off and then ride my bumper for the next 5 miles because I didn't slow down and let you in. If you'd had your turn signal on and I'd been made aware of your intention of coming into my lane, I may have let you pull in front of me. Now I'll just randomly tap my breaks and screw with your head until you turn off.
~ The nice employees at the DOT put road signs up to assist you, not to ruin the scenery. When you see a sign indicating that the lane you're driving in will be ending, plan ahead and make a move to get into the next lane, preferebly using your turn signal to indicate your intentions. Don't speed up and then slam on your brakes as the lane ends. Don't try to cram your car into the small space between my truck and the vehicle in front of me. Don't try to cut other merged motorists off in a order to get into the continuing lane - they were smart enough to move when they saw the road sign informing them that their lane was ending. Don't blame your lack of driving skills on them.
~ There is a reason that drag racing on a public road is illegal. There are actually other people on the roads who may have small children in their vehicles. You're putting others' lives at risk just to show off to your girlfriend how tricked out your cheesy-ass Honda Civic is.
~ It is unacceptable to race down the road, pull in front of another driver and then hit your brakes. This, understandably, irritates the other driver and puts you on the beat down list.
Thanks so much for your consideration. Please take these little helpful rules into account the next time you decide to hop behind the wheel. Now, as you've been informed of your inadequate driving skills, you can't plead ignorance and the next time you irritate me by driving like the slobbering moron that you are, I'll be completely within my rights to force you to the side of the road and administer the beat down that you so richly deserve.
posted by Arctic Skipper @ 3:36 PM
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