I Am A Fraud
I've lived in Alaska most of my life, simply because, it's home. I briefly lived in California and Washington, and while I liked both places and eventually plan to relocate to Washington to be closer to my family, I love Alaska, and I just keep coming back. There are warmer places to live than Fairbanks, but again, Fairbanks somehow became home, and I love living here. I also get tons of sympathy from friends and family outside of Fairbanks, and most are in awe of the fact that I manage to survive winters at temperatures of 40 degrees below zero - and colder. (I'm fairly certain this is an indication that they all think I'm a high maintenance little princess, which, obviously, is pretty accurate. But I'm a tough high maintenance little princess!) I sit back and eat up the sympathy, make up stories about my eyelashes freezing on my way from the truck to the office, terrify my mother with my ice fog experiences (I couldn't see three feet in front of my truck and I had to drive 20 miles an hour to work . . .) and make it seem like Fairbanks is a lot more hazardous and dangerous to live in than it actually is. They'll never know! They don't live here and rarely visit in the winter, so they don't know any better - and it's not like I'm doing anything too terribly bad. I lead my innocent, trusting family and friends to believe that I live under extreme duress where every day survived is a triumph and every roadside breakdown can result in the loss of toes and fingers to frost bite, and they in turn think that I'm overcoming amazing odds and tribulations, and I get lots and lots of respect, an impressive reputation, and, more importantly, I get waited on hand and foot when I come to visit. Works well for me.
I've managed for years to hose everyone quite well with this illusion, but all the free drinks, dinners, Prada and Gucci handbags and sympathy is starting to make me feel a little, well, dirty, so I've decided to come clean and admit that I am actually a total fraud. Yes, Fairbanks does see temperatures in excess of -40, and my eyelashes actually have frozen from the truck to the office, but it's really not as bad as I've been making it seem, and I have one inventive little gadget to thank for this: auto start. I love my auto start. Auto Start allows me to stay inside, sit on my butt, hit a button and jump into a nice, warm truck 20 minutes later. It might be -45 outside but it's 75 degrees inside my truck, and that's all that matters. Yeah, the run from the office to the truck, or from the truck to the gym is a little chilly, but it's three seconds of cold I have to endure and then I get to hop into a nice, warm, well-heated vehicle and cruise home. Wanna know a little secret? Sometimes I don't even wear a jacket. Oh, I always have one with me, but most of the time it's so warm in my truck that I get too hot in a jacket, so I just take it off. Then, when I get home, I pull into the garage and my truck has several hours to thaw out before we have to go back outside.
I'm very sorry for all the years of deception, but I'm sure everyone will agree that they feel much better knowing that I'm not constantly battling against the elements, having to rush outside, start my truck and run back inside - or, God forbid, that I have to drive home from the gym in an icy cold vehicle.
I'll admit, I was enjoying all the attention and gifts that were lavished on me, but I came to the realization that I was causing my friends and family a lot of worry, so I forced myself to bare my soul and come out with the truth. Because I'm considerate, caring and honest like that.
posted by Arctic Skipper @ 9:48 AM
7 Comments:
Yeah, well as appealing as you make Fairbanks sound (if that isn't an oxymoron I don't know what is), I'm still not moving back up there!!!! I'm sorry. I'm still not over having Chemistry class with that backwoods lady that had a beard. I'm also not over the repulsion of going to Fred Meyer and shopping in the same aisle as the smelly cabin dweller in his PJs who has 85 dogs and wofts the smell of every one of those 85 dogs in my general direction. I'm not coming back up there until I have enough money to buy a really expensive house, away from town, with a maid and a personal fashion coordinator who lives in either New York or Cali so I don't fall into the dulldroms of wearing clothing that everyone else owns from Freddy's. I also am not moving back up there until I have a BMW X5 with an autostart. Now seeing as though all of these things must fall into place to get me back up there...it's safe to say that I'm never moving back up there! I'm moving to Maui with Rhonda. :)
lindsay is all about warm and toasty buns.... oh wait is that off topic?
I don't know if it'll make you feel any better, but I've always known you were a fraud.
Whit, internet shopping will allow you to live in Fbks and not have on the exact same outfit as every other chick on the street. Poor excuse, and the other ones can all be avoided. Get your skinny butt back here. Rhonda and I miss you.
Kev, leave my buns out of this!
Wait a minute - Scott, you've always known I was a man???! :P
No, I never suspected you were a man. You play ball like a GIRL!
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