I'd rather be having a beer!

Dear Client Who Asks Me A Question And Then Won't Shut Up So I Can Answer Her:

Ask your question, sit down, shut yer yap and listen quietly while I vainly attempt to instill some knowledge into that teeny tiny little brain of yours. And then, when I've finished my imparting my little nuggets of sense onto your ignorant butt, if there are any more questions, that would be the time to ask. Don't blaze into my office (or call me up,) waste my time, ask a question and then attempt to tell me the answer. 1) You don't know what you're talking about 2) I do 3) No, really, you don't know what you're talking about 4) You're being rude 5) You're wasting my time 6) I don't call (or come into) your office, insult your intelligence, waste your time, interrupt you after every other word and take out my frustrations on you - what in the world makes you think you have the right to do this to me? 7) Don't attack me personally just because you don't like the company I work for. This is a paycheck - I did not scour the wanted ads for an employer whose values exactly reflect my own. I was hired, I learned my job, and frankly, I'm good at what I do. I manage to juggle all of these things and still go home and sleep at nite because I'm not particularly interested in which charities the company I work for supports. I'm sorry you disagree with some of their choices. I wasn't aware that the interests of my employer were a direct reflection on me personally. 8) Please squelch the urge to rearrange my desk. I like my phone where it is. I have my business cards there for a reason. The whole system works very well for me, thank you. You are more than welcome to go back to your office and rearrange your things, but please, please, leave my belongings alone. 9) While we're on the subject, the space behind my desk is reserved for me. You do not need to come over, stand behind my chair, hover over me and stare at my computer screen while I work. The two comfy chairs in front of my desk are there especially for you. Use them. 10) Your time in my office is not play time for your kids. They do not need to be crawling under my desk. They do not need to be behind my chair reaching for my purse. They do not need to be messing with the printer beside my desk.

I would appreciate your compliance with all of these issues. Please be prepared to act like a normal, well-mannered human being the next time you grace me with your presence.

(Okay, so I got a little off the subject. Sue me. :P)

posted by Arctic Skipper @ 3:31 PM 2 comments

It wants to be mine!

If any of you have a spare $285 laying around and you have the uncontrollable urge to buy me this, (in celery) I will cook, clean, scrub your toilet with a toothbrush, shave your dog, wash your cat - you name it, I'll do it. (Okay, we all know I'll actually send Shorty over to do it, but just play along.)

I've never actually lusted over a handbag before . . . . it's a new experience.

posted by Arctic Skipper @ 2:15 PM 0 comments

Of softball and shopping

Sorry, (Richard!) that I haven't posted in a few days. I just got back from Anchorage - I got picked up on cousin Tommy and Uncle Jack's softball team for Coed D State. And it was a cheesy excuse for me to go visit J and K!! :) Here's a quick re-cap of the weekend:

Got into Anchorage around 9 PM. K picked me up at the airport and took me straight to TGI Friday's so I could have a couple of margaritas and catch up with the girls.

We headed to Asia Gardens, despite my desperate protests that I had to get to bed ;), and had a couple more cocktails, made fools of ourselves on the dance floor and contributed $5 to the AJ Claw Fund. (AJ has mad skillz at liberating stuffed animals out of those little claw machines, and by the time he was done, Jenny had an interesting little stuffed animal orgy going on in the middle of the table.)

Got back to J and K's condo. Drank a glass of wine. Slept for a few hours, and then got up to play ball.

Played ball, hung out with the family, played more ball, hung out more with the family. :)

Shopped and ate junk fude that I had no busines eating.

Came home.

Actually, I had a great weekend. It was really nice to see my family again. I made a half hearted attempt to take all their money at poker Saturday nite, and made $9. I'm just giving them a false sense of security so I can take all their money next time. :P I hadn't seen Uncle Jack in at least a year, and it was neat to meet his new wife, Debbie. I hadn't seen Tommy, Angie and Alex in a while, either, so that was cool. Hadn't seen Timmy in years, so it was nice to try and take his butt at poker! ;) James and I haven't seen each other in ages, so it was good to catch up with him and trade lines from Chapelle's Show. (I'm Rick James, bitch!) Christina and Chris have a gorgeous house and a couple of great kids. I wish I'd had more time to catch up with Christina, but I guess I'll just have to make another trip to Anchorage to go visit. Darn! ;)

I played okay. I hit like a girl,which was pretty dissapointing as I've been hitting really well all season. My nice little line drive down the third base line, right over the third basemen's head, seems to have deserted me, so I was stuck with grounding out to short. Oh, and popping up to left. Rgh. One day I will learn to hit to right at will, and, after hell melts, we'll just see how mouthy you third basemen and short stops are! ;) Tommy and Uncle Jack's team is really, really good, and I had a great time playing with them. Thanks for picking me up, guys! Fairbanks, Shmairbanks! Who wants to play for a team from your home town? That's so last season! ;)

Oh, J and K introduced me to frisbee golf, which I kinda suck at, but it was still tons of fun! We split up into teams and J and I won! (If you get the highest score out of the other three couples you win, right??? ;) ) We only finished nine holes due to rain and darkness setting in, so we decided to go to dinner, despite looking like drowned rats. (I, however, looked like a cross between a golden retriever and a drowned poodle. It was hot! ;) We hit up Bear's Tooth instead, which is the most incredibly brilliant concept I've ever come across. Beer and fude inside a movie theatre!! Okay, maybe I'm easily impressed, but having a glass of red wine, munching on pizza and watching The Longest Yard was pretty sweet. After that, and despite my amazing lack of talent, we headed to the Wood Shed for karaoke. J, Ben and Brian were totally impressive, and I have to give Mel props - she lost her voice during the tournament but still went up and busted out a few songs. (K and I had to help her out on a couple. Wonder Twin powers unite!) K got a wild hair up her booty and decided to sign us chicks up to sing a song. She said she'd written down Dead or Alive, so imagine our surprise when Bad Medicine came on!! We didn't suck it up too badly, though. I obviously didn't inherit any of the lyrical talent my family seems to have. (I did get my dad's ghetto booty, though!) Oh, and BRIAN GOT CUTT OFF!! Hee hee! (Sorry, but I have to throw this in. FUNNY!) He'd only had two Long Island Ice Teas, (in the span of a few hours!) and he wasn't driving, but the waitress chica told him he had to finish his water before she ordered him another drink, and then she gave him the axe anyway. It was closing time, so no big deal. Except that now we get to make fun of Brian! Ha ha! ;) Monday morning I packed my shtuff up and K and I hit up 5th Avenue and Diamond Center malls, I spent more of Shorty's hard earned money, (don't worry, sweetie, I'll make it up by putting an appearance in at Show Boat a few times next month! ;) and then K slowed down just enough to kick me out of her Durango and throw my luggage out on the curb at the airport. Sniff. ;)

I missed my kittens terribly and it was just awesome to come home and cuddle them! Oh, yeah, and Shorty, too! ;)

Moral of the weekend: K is my clone. My more toned, dark haired, big toothed, funky toed clone, but still my clone! Thanks, J and K, for putting up with me this weekend! I had so much fun and I really, really miss you guys! I'll drag Shorty down and we'll crash Shannon and AJ's 'Bailing On All Our Friends Because We're Selfish And Are Moving To Florida' party! Love you guys!

Oh, side note, I've now enabled anonymous posting, so for those of you who tried to tell me how wonderful and talented I am and were unable to, you can stop crying now and post! ;)

posted by Arctic Skipper @ 11:10 AM 2 comments

It's all about ME, baby!

In an effort to keep my second career as an internet porn star secret from my friends and family, I'm creating a blog instead of simply giving everyone my Live Journal address. Yeah, I know, I've caved and joined the legions of mindless narcissists who feel the need to have a website dedicated to them. As all the recent grouch mail I've been receiving has been pointing out, I am horrible at emailing people back in a timely fashion and keeping in contact with my friends and family. This is just a fun way for you all to keep tabs on what I've been up to without constantly having to email me and receive replys 6 weeks later showering you with extremely out-dated information.

I just thought this would be fun. Feel free to comment, tease me, pump my ego or send money.

Love and miss you guys! :)

-Lindsey

*** I figured out how to edit and fixed my type-os. Hah, Whit! Now what, mouthy??!!! ;) ***

posted by Arctic Skipper @ 3:15 PM 8 comments