Wednesday, October 26, 2005

MY NEAL!


I completely forgot to mention my surprise visit from Neal on Friday nite! Neal is a friend of mine from Nome, and he is largely responsible for the amount of alcohol I consumed that memorable summer I spent in 'da village.' Right after I graduated highschool and headed to UAF, Mom and Mike moved to Nome. They'd been hounding me to come spend the summer with them in Nome and, like any respectable college chick, I wisely deduced that the chances of meeting hot guys in a place like Nome would be slim to none, so I held out as long as I could. They finally caught me on a technicallity - they found me a job and practically guaranteed my presence by a certain date - so I abandoned the prospect of another fun-filled summer in Laguna Nigel, CA, and headed to bleary, dreary, cold Nome. I pretty much gave up all hope of meeting anyone fun and threw myself into my job as a teller at National Bank of Alaska and working out at the gym. Mom signed me up on her women's softball team, which played one nite a week, but for the most part I did a lot of jogging and lifting at the gym. I was bored silly, knew no one, and had basically resigned myself to a long, boring summer without the prospect of any fun. Then the real reason for my summer enprisonment was divluged - Mom was coaching the highschool varsity cheerleaders and she wanted my help with teaching them stunting. ;)

*** Disclaimer: I was never a cheerleader in highschool, but Mom coached and I went to one camp before my basketball coach found out and threatened me with bodily harm and a nice place on the bench for the next volleyball season if I bailed on basketball to be a cheerleader. I do, however, know all the technical stuff, stunts, etc, not through my own desire to know these things, but because Mom held me down and forced me to help and give opinions on different cheers, stunts, and routines.***

So, I went to a practice with Mom and met Neal, who'd gone to UAA and had been a cheerleader there. He offered to help the girls with stunting, and from then on I was the test dummy and we'd show them what to do and how to do it. It was actually a ton of fun, and that's when Neal discovered that I didn't know a single person in Nome, with the exception of a very quirky chick who developed stalker tendancies, so he rescued me, signed up to be my tour guide for the summer and introduced me to a bunch of people. The rest is history. That was one of the craziest, funniest, most insane summers ever! We were busy every nite, either hooking up with friends to watch movies, hitting up bonfires, going camping out at Counsil, playing at Pilgrim hotsprings, jumping off Grand Canyon bridge or just chillin' somewhere with everyone. I was under age, of course, so I missed out on the craziness of the BOT and the other 20 bars in town, but we were having so much fun doing other things that it wasn't a big deal. Nome is where I discovered the delicious combination of Captain Morgan and Dr. Pepper. I also became privy to the knowledge that 7 shots of Tequila will not kill you, you can actually drink yourself sober, and if you go camping, get 5 hours of sleep, come home and sleep for the rest of the afternoon, you can completely skip the hangover part of that equation! I went back to Nome once after that summer, for a week and a half of Christmas Break, but other than that I've never been back. Neal and I have sporadically kept in touch through email, so you can imagine my surprise when he waltzed into my office with his cousin Friday afternoon! He just happened to be in town for the weekend, and, although I had plans to be on the road to Anchorage by 8am Saturday morning, I met up with him Friday nite after work for drinks! It was awesome to see him! He hasn't changed at all - he's still crazy, funny, camera-happy and a complete blast to be with - even though he spells his name wrong. :P Neal also handled the unadulterated ass-kicking I handed him at foose ball very well. ;) He took a few pictures, of course, and as soon as he coughs them up I'll email them out. Unless I can figure out how to post pictures on this thing. Don't hold your breath waiting, though! ;)

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

I'm Back!

I made it home okay! I may have a few more gray hairs than before, but I made it back in one piece. The drive down to Anchorage was fine - Mom's Rendezvous handles great and I had tons of fun playing with the cruise control and volume/CD controls on the steering wheel. Yes, I am easily amused. Moving on . . . . :P I met up with K in Anchorage, proceded to get lost on the way to Affordable and finally met up with Mom and Nana. (Note to self: Britt the Sales Duder is really cute and really nice and should be moved to #1 on the Fall Back list if Shorty ever bails.;) We made the vehicle switch and I hopped into the BHB (Big Heavy Bastard) 2003 F250 Crew Cab Diesel that I was given to drive back to Fairbanks. K and I checked out Mom and Nana's room at the Diamond Center Hotel, (very nice!) and then headed back to Casa Del J&K to change for dinner with Mom and Nana. K got me hammered at Sea Galley on an Alaskan Tea. The AT is the equivalent of a Long Island but it packs a bigger punch and I hadn't really eaten all day (with the exception of a handful of sunflower seeds, some Beef Nuggets and a few Sour Cream and Onion chips) so the plethora of gin, vodka, rum and everything else went straight to my blonde head. I'm pretty sure I ended up giggling all nite. Dinner was a blast, though, and a few things came out. Mom completely agrees with the fact that K and I are disturbingly alike. At first K thought she might be Mom's long-lost daughter, which Mom was fully in favor of. After a discussion and comparison of our moms, however, K and I have come to the conclusion that our mothers are sisters and Nana has a long-lost daughter. K's parents are coming down to Anchorage for Turkey Day, so hopefully we can all hook up and have dinner on Friday evening.

Saturday morning K made J and I an awesome breakfast and we managed to get all the furniture loaded into BHB. I headed out about 1:30 and made it back to Fairbanks in 6 and a half hours. I will never, ever purchase an F250. Ever. BHB was a bitch to drive and I was getting thrown all over the road. An 80 ton vehicle with an additional 80 tons of furniture in the back + icy roads = bad. Okay, maybe I was exaggerating a little. It was a pretty hairy drive home and I'm glad no one else was with me because I was driving like a total Sally, which goes completely against my reputation as the chick version of Mario Andretti. I was seriously wired on Diet Rockstar and Starbucks' Frappacinos, though, so it took forever to get to sleep Sunday nite. I think Shorty and the kittens missed me because I kept waking up with two fur balls sprawled across my shoulders and neck and a cute boy snuggled on me. :)

We've gotten very productive now that we finally have a real bed to put in the guest bedroom! I re-arranged the living room last nite and Shorty and I put Megyn's new bed together. I have a soccer game at 8 PM tonite so tomorrow we begin Project Downstairs Bedroom. We're hitting up home depot for carpet, paint and accessories and I'm going to bust down on painting the walls tomorrow nite! Hopefully we'll have the bedroom finished by this weekend! :)

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

No Laguna for me! :(

I completely forgot about the awesome power Monday Nite Football holds over my life and I didn't make it home from the bar in time to catch Laguna. :( Sad. I did have an enjoyable nite watching Payton and the Colts beat the holy living poo out of the Rams, though. :)

In other news, it sounds like Big Ben is going to be okay to go this Sunday and the Steelers have basically given Turnover Tommy Maddox the pink slip he so richly deserves. Having your team move the third string QB up to back-up QB and dropping your turning-over, fumbling, -couldn't-throw-a-pass-if-my-life-depended-on-it butt down to third string QB = ouch! Seriously, though, he lost the game for us twice! While that in itself is rather impressive, (freaking retard!) the fact that he threw like crap and then blamed it on the wind (oh, PLEASE!) is reason enough to sign him up for a smack down. Buh-bye, Tommy. You suck, GO HOME!

I'm making a spur-of-the-moment trip to Anchor Town on Saturday to give my mommy her hott new SUV! She's buying a 2003 Buick Rendezvous (that I would consider snagging if she didn't - this thing is SA-WEET!) from my cute boy, and since she's in Seward and the vehicle is in Fairbanks, I decided to solidify my win of the Most Bestest Daughter In History award and drive her new pretty down (300 miles all by myself!) for her so she can have it sooner. The fact that I get to see Mom and Nana (and possibly Dad) and spend Saturday nite with two of my best friends EVER have nothing to do with this . . . . really . . . ;) I think the fact that I'm making the trip in the beginning of winter all by myself outweighs the bonuses. So I deserve lots of hugs and kisses from my mommy. :) The trip should be really fun and totally relaxing, though, so I'm looking forward to it!

Monday, October 17, 2005

If you dropped in to see what exciting, fun things I've been up to and you're expecting an entertaining entry highlighting crazy weekend debauchery, you might wanna back out now. :) We had a pretty tame weekend.

Friday nite was spent watching Shorty's basketball team beat the poo out of Big Kev's team, followed by beer and popcorn at CBI with the boys.

I layed around like a lazy slug Saturday morning, watched Laguna Beach and cuddled with Thing 1 & Thing 2 before tackling the house cleaning. Saturday nite I met up with Big Kev and we hit up CBI for pre-beer beer before heading to the Ice Dogs hockey game, where I ran into a ton of friends and spent more time drinking beer and blabbing than I did actually watching the game. :( I heard it was good, though! :P (Disclaimer: I didn't actually end up drinking as much beer as that previous sentence might lead you to believe. They were serving Miller and Koakanee at the game, so I managed to choke down a Miller. BLECH. I think I now have a pretty fair idea of what the inside of a shoe tastes like. :S)

Sunday Shorty and I got yard work done. He had the brilliant idea of putting all our fire wood under the deck stairs so we wouldn't have to go as far into the yard to get our fire wood. Apparently putting your fire wood pile right up against your house is a huge no-no because, in the event that your fire wood pile spontaneously combusts and catches fire, the closer your fire wood pile is to your house, the more likely it is that your house will catch fire, too. As we don't have self-igniting fire wood, I think we'll be okay.

We also picked up a new computer desk and a cat tree. No, we don't have a decorative tree with cats dangling from it - we got a cute little stand (that's almost taller than I am!) with a couple of different shelves on it. It also has a big tube for the kittens to crawl through and a little ball dangling from the floor of the top shelf. Ariel and Jazz went nuts over it! I woke up this morning and they were cuddled up on the middle shelf together (instead of being in bed with us where they belong!) - which only further solidifies my theory that we have the cutest kittens ever.

Tonite I'm heading to a tanning appt after work and then I'm meeting up with Shorty and Pops for pool and burgers at Red Fox, but I absolutely have got to be home in time to catch the new episode of Laguna Beach at 9pm because - OMG. LC AND JASON?!?!?!!!!!!!

Expect a Laguna episode recap tomorrow. :)

Thursday, October 13, 2005

George Carlin's take on New Orleans

Disclaimer: don't get me wrong with this post. I am very sympathetic to the victims of the recent natural disasters. But - ya just gotta love George Carlin!

George Carlin On New Orleans

"Been sitting here with my A$$ in a wad, wanting to speak out about the bullsh*t going on in New Orleans. For the people of New Orleans... First we would like to say, Sorry for your loss. With that said, Let's go through a few hurricane rules: (Unlike an earthquake, we know it's coming)
#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that...Get the
h@ll out. Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out... if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it, even if you don't have a car, you can get out.)
#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the Government's fault you're starving.
#2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some.(Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible. Leave them alone.)
#2b. If the local store has been looted of food or water, leave your neighbor's TV and stereo alone. (See #2a) They worked hard to get their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave during a mandatory evacuation, doesn't give you the right to take their stuff...it's theirs, not yours.
#3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot at them and then complain no one is helping you. I'm not getting shot to help save some dumb@ss who didn't leave when told to do so.
#4. If you are in your house that is completely under water, yourbelongings are probably too far gone for anyone to want them. If someone does want them, let them have them and hopefully they'll die in the filth. Just leave! (It's New Orleans, find a voodoo warrior and put a curse on them.)
#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn't go to rebuild a city that is under sea level. You wouldn't build your house on quicksand would you? You want to live below sea-level, do your country some good and join the Navy.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Dear Terrible Driver Who Never Should Have Been Issued A Driver's License:

I've seen you on the road, driving 20 miles below the speed limit, in the fast lane, babbling on your cell phone and blithely ignoring the 'salutes' and honking horns from passing motorists, and I thought that, in the interest of your own health and my sanity, I should bring up a couple of suggestions to you. There are actually certain unspoken laws that you seem to be ignorant of, and I thought I'd get my good deed of the day out of the way and remind you of a few little helpful 'rules' of the road.

~ the left hand lane is what we call the 'passing' lane. It's also referred to as the 'fast' lane. 'Fast', as in 'going over the speed limit' not under it. If you're cruising along in the left hand lane and you see another motorist, who's obviously going faster than you, coming up behind you, the appropriate thing to do is signal and merge into the other lane, thereby getting the hell out of the way!!! It's very commendable that you follow the letter of the law and don't choose to go over the speed limit. There are, however, other drivers who may decide to be a little daring and go a couple of miles over the speed limit in order to arrive at their desitinations a little sooner. It would behoove you to get your Subaru out of the way, else you may find yourself the recipient of the one finger salute.

~ God invented turning signals to inform the rest of us of your turning intentions. Turn signals should also be used when you're changing lanes. Don't glare at me, flip me off and then ride my bumper for the next 5 miles because I didn't slow down and let you in. If you'd had your turn signal on and I'd been made aware of your intention of coming into my lane, I may have let you pull in front of me. Now I'll just randomly tap my breaks and screw with your head until you turn off.

~ The nice employees at the DOT put road signs up to assist you, not to ruin the scenery. When you see a sign indicating that the lane you're driving in will be ending, plan ahead and make a move to get into the next lane, preferebly using your turn signal to indicate your intentions. Don't speed up and then slam on your brakes as the lane ends. Don't try to cram your car into the small space between my truck and the vehicle in front of me. Don't try to cut other merged motorists off in a order to get into the continuing lane - they were smart enough to move when they saw the road sign informing them that their lane was ending. Don't blame your lack of driving skills on them.

~ There is a reason that drag racing on a public road is illegal. There are actually other people on the roads who may have small children in their vehicles. You're putting others' lives at risk just to show off to your girlfriend how tricked out your cheesy-ass Honda Civic is.

~ It is unacceptable to race down the road, pull in front of another driver and then hit your brakes. This, understandably, irritates the other driver and puts you on the beat down list.

Thanks so much for your consideration. Please take these little helpful rules into account the next time you decide to hop behind the wheel. Now, as you've been informed of your inadequate driving skills, you can't plead ignorance and the next time you irritate me by driving like the slobbering moron that you are, I'll be completely within my rights to force you to the side of the road and administer the beat down that you so richly deserve.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Napoleon Dynamite lives in Fairbanks, Alaska!!



I was innocently strolling out of Fred Meyer's last nite, juggling my plastic bags of groceries and making my way toward my cute little truck, when I was almost run over by one of those gigantic 'cart trains' the parking lot attendants at Fred's are always terrorizing people with. After a quick assessment of my truck and verification that not a scratch had blemished it's shiny red surface, I glance up at the moron behind the 'wheel,' and almost drop my Tide on my boot. I shit you not, there he was! Napoleon Dynamite, in all his dorky glory! This guy had the obnoxiously curly hair, geek glasses, dazed, moronic expression, ill fitting clothing and lumbering walk. It's quite possible he had a unicorn shirt on under his Fred's uniform, and he was sporting a very attractive sweat stain across his shoulders. The moon boots were no where to be seen, but he was sporting a very 'retro' pair of black velcro sneakers.

I'm still having issues coping with my new discovery. Maybe Bud Lite can help!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

I am the Goddess of the Kitchen!

That's right, bitches, bow down!! I actually cooked dinner ('cook' consisting of not tossing a pizza in the oven or throwing a salad together, which is what I usually do) two nights in a row and didn't burn a thing!!!! I really think this is the first time in history that I've done this. Quick! Get out the World Record book!!

Monday nite I made Sun-Dried tomato alfredo with chicken and a yummy salad and yesterday I made Beef Pasta Hamburger Helper and green beans. Shorty's daughter picked the menu for last nite, (I was all set for a big, fat steak!) and I'm counting the HH as cooking since I had to thaw and brown hamburger. I won't have to press my luck and try for three nites in a row since Shorty has the day off today and will have dinner on the table when I walk in the door. (That sound you hear is him sighing in relief.) Seriously, we were cheating death. Me cooking is scary enough but me cooking and not burning anything two nites in a row is terrifying.

Speaking of terrifying, I'm dying to see the Emily Rose movie. Maybe I can convince Shorty to take me to the movies on Sunday. *plots*

We got thrashed on in our soccer game last nite. 10-0, and for once, we were the zero. We had one sub and I was dying. (Softball and beer all summer = very out of shape for indoor soccer in the Fall.) I do have a whole new appreciation for our Jaccuzi, though. Yes, it may be a $5 bath, (filling that tub up is a project in and of itself) but it's totally worth it since I can actually walk today!

Ugh. So not motivated to work today. Obviously, since I'm posting instead of diligently busting out work on the computer! :P

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Aloha = starvation in a desperate attempt to shrink my butt to the size it was when I was 16

Okay, I just got hit with a rumor that Shorty's company Christmas party might be in Maui.

AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!! <---- That was me freaking out, not because I'm excited to sprawl across a beach like a lazy slug and soak up some sun for a couple of days, but because I just tried on my bikini and discovered that it does not look good. It does, however, look like an excellent 'before' picture for a Jenny Craig ad. I've kinda been piddling around on our weight bench in the evenings and playing on our exercise bike in the mornings. Maui in December = huge motivation to get myself back into cute, buff bikini shape. Between half hour long cardio sessions in the mornings, three days of soccer and nothing but rabbit food, water and Ex Lax for two months, I think I can pull it off.

If Shorty really loved me he'd spring for liposuction. After all, it is his Christmas party I'll be starving myself thin for. :P

Monday, October 03, 2005

Oh, NO!! We Suck Again!

I'd like to thank my best friend in the whole world (Whitney, you are a hose beast!) for emailing me photos of the Eagles beating my Chiefs into oblivion on their home turf. Vermeil has a right to be P.O.'d - our defense left T.O. all alone and we paid the price. Trent Green pooped the bed and took the rest of our offense with him. Larry Johnson was completely useless and I use Sunday's game as proof further solidifying my opinion that a) he will never be as good as Priest b) he's over-rated c) he'll never be able to carry our offense the way Priest does. Say whatever you want about Johnson, Shorty - he's just not that good. Too bad it took my Chiefs getting demolished by Philly to prove this.

I'd consider bandwagoning to a winning team to give myself a little morale boost, but that team would probably start losing and then I'd really be hurting. Plus I'd lose my excuse of drowning my sorrows over my loser football team in beer.

I'm going to go off and pout now.