I'd rather be having a beer!: December 2005

Friday, December 23, 2005

So I had a little temper tantrum last nite while trying to put the boarder up in Megyn's room. Directions clearly state to loosely roll the boarder up, soak it in warm water, with the sticky side down, for about 10 seconds, unroll along the wall and smooth with a sponge. Sounds simple and fairly easy, right? The directions said nothing about getting the boarder stuck in your hair, having it slide all over the wall and slime your pretty new paint job, tear, drip, and curl back in on itself. About 5 minutes into the job I was dripping wet, sticky, and really, really pissed off. Ariel decided it was cuddle time and chose that moment to launch herself onto my shoulders and get her balance by gouging her back claws into my skin. (Whoever said that de-clawing a cat's back paws was inhumane needs to stop smoking crack and deserves a couple of rips in the shoulders with cat claws.) Poor Shorty called right then and got blasted with all my frustration. Although he does have a newly-discovered, horrifying fascination with mother on daughter action, (I'm sticking with my opinion that the Gastineau girls are dirty hos - anyone who poses nekkid in her mom's cooch is automatically regulated to dirty ho status) there are some situations where he demonstrates surprising intelligence and sensetivity, and this was one of them. Two seconds after he walked in the front door, he busted out my Christmas presents!!! He bought me a gorgeous heart shaped diamond necklace and matching earring set (yes, I got teary - I'm such a Sally!) and a gift card to Lowes! (Yes, the way to my heart is jewelry and gift cards for home improvement. I will own Lowe's curtain and window treatment section by next week! Oh, yes, I will! Call me daddy!) Since I hadn't wrapped his gifts yet, I just handed them over, too. (He got warm, fuzzy fleecy sweatpants and three warm, fuzzy, fleecy sweatshirts from Foot Locker - so he'll stop stealing mine!) I had pretty much had it with trying to get Megyn's room done, so we headed down to Red Fox for dinner and a few drinks. When we got home, the last thing on the damn planet I wanted to do was finish putting up that freaking boarder and risk ruining my good mood, so we *coughhadafewmoredrinkscough* decided to be lazy slugs. Shorty played poker online, I played with the kittens, (the LOVE their laser light) read a book and taunted Shorty whenever he lost a hand. Yes, yes, I know, I know - I'm such a kind, loving, suppportive girlfriend. Shorty's so lucky to have me.

Tonite I have to get that #@*%&^! boarder done, though. :(

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Yet another reason (like we need one!) to detest the Trailer Trash Gastineau Girls!

I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Go, Santa, go, Santa, it's ya birfday, go, Santa! Go! Go! Go!

deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur 4 Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa
* * * * * * * * * *
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa
****************
Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Leggos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?

Santa
*********************
Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Santa
******************
Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.

Santa
Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.

Santa
P.S.: Tell your mom she got the part.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I'm not as think as you drunk I am!

Is it a bad thing when your coworker gets you a very large bottle of Amaretto for Christmas, and then proceeds to tell everyone that she got them gifts that reminded her of them?

WA HOO! WE'RE DRINKIN' FER FREE TONITE!

My Mother Holds A Grudge

I'm not quite sure what she's upset about, but evidently, she's harboring some resentment. There's no other explanation as to why my wonderful, kind, loving mother - the woman who raised me, taught me how to shoot a three pointer and drive a stick - would tell me that painting my house would be a 'fun' experience. It took me 45 minutes to tape off the hallways, which took me only 20 mintues to paint.

The inventor of trim is a sadistic bastard who's obviously never had to paint a room before.

I'm exhausted, and the combination of paint fumes, But Lite (note to self: drinking while painting not so smart) and 5 hours of sleep have left me with a brutal headache.

The hallway upstairs, the entry way and the hallway downstairs that leads into the garage look awesome, though, and the kittens managed to escape unpainted. (Shorty wisely locked himself and Thing 1 and Thing 2 in our bedroom while I was 'making our house pretty.' Smart boy.)

I don't understand why my mother didn't warn me about what I was getting myself into. Mom makes Martha Stewart look like an amature. She is a home decorating bad ass. She knew exactly what I was getting myself into. Instead of cautioning her loving, adoring, innocent daughter, she gave me painting tips! The woman hates me. So, Mom, I'm sorry for losing your favorite pair of earrings on a basketball trip my sophmore year in high school, stretching out your favorite sweater, stealing your cute cream colored linen pants and drinking all the coffee.

Anyone want to come tape off the rest of the rooms for me?

Friday, December 16, 2005

Damn, I want her hair!

I'm not willing to live off ExLax and water until I drop down to her size, but I'd be totally willing to glue her hair scraps to the ends of my locks. If someone could just convince Victoria Beckam to shave her head and make her hair into a wig for me, I'd be forever grateful and adoring.

All I want for Xmas is Posh's hair! (and her husband)

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I'm a Nerd!

I was trolling through Blogland, and hit Stephaine's blog, and now I'm busting out 10 Things I'm Known For Saying. Or 10 Things I Say Often. Or - okay, if you hang out with me for more than 5 minutes, you'll most likely here me say: (in no particular order)

Duder - I am totally guilty of excessive use of this word. I can't remember where I got it from, but I use it CONSTANTLY.

Shut up, you're stupid! - this is the ultimate comeback. Seriously, what kind of retort are you going to bust out with? "Nu-uh! You are?" Yeah, that's what I thought.

You love me!- directed at Shorty, right after I've done or said something dumb, or I'm driving him up a wall, or messing with his head and he's about to the point where he's going to completely freak out and lose it. 'You love me,' said in the Cute Voice completely steals his thunder and leaves him with nuthin'. Oh, yes, it does.

I don't wanna play anymore, I quit! - most often busted out when something's going wrong or during a scary movie right at the part where the suspense is about to kill you and you know someone's gonna get toasted and you can't stand it anymore and you're cowering at the end of the couch just hoping it will end!

Stop helping! - you'll hear this come out of my mouth when someone is backing someone else on an idea that I don't like.

William Shane! - I throw this one out at least 18 times a day, because Shorty's always doing something shocking or bad.

I'm gonna ______ you in a minute! - this one is unthinkingly tossed out there when I'm in one of those moods, comes in many shapes and sizes, and is really the most pathetic threat ever. EX: Boss: 'Lindsey, hand me that file." Me: "I'm gonna file you in a minute!" Makes no sense, but hey, that's the beauty of it. It has, however, backfired drastically before. EX: Friend:'Screw you!' Me: 'I'm gonna screw - damn!'

That's messed up! - used frequently when I don't get my own way, or when something is actually messed up.

Call me daddy! - used when I do get my way, win, have been proven right about something, or I manage to slip past Shorty's guard and take him down.

Get 'er done! - what can I say, I love Larry the Cable Guy.

I have paint all over my nails. I have paint in my hair. I have paint splatters on my legs, arms and chest. The kittens have paint on them. (Well, Jazz has a tiny spot of cream colored paint on his back that I'm sure I'll be able to brush out tonite. I hope!)

On the upside, our entryway is looking awesome! I need to bust out the step ladder to get the top part, and I ran out of glaze, so I'll have to hit up Lowe's Saturday morning, but the ugly stark white walls are almost gone!

I also discovered that electric tape works much better for taping things off than painters tape. Yeah, it's (A LOT) more expensive, but it peels off of trim and heat registers so much more easily! ;)

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Recap-At-A-Glance

Friday nite was fun! After watching Shorty's basketball team getting their bootys handed to them by a bunch of old guys, I headed out to Big Kev's for game nite and Corona, while Shorty made his way over to Jeff's house for his regular Friday nite poker game with the geeks. (Excepting John and Warren, who are not geeks - unless they beat me at Scene It. Then they've made their illustrious way to the top of The List.)

Warren's been talking a lot of smack since his win at Scene It the other nite. (He won boys vs girls and couples, the little punk!) I still maintain that he got lucky!! That's right, the gauntlet has been thrown! Bring it, biatch! (I love having friends who can't figure out how to comment on my blog!)

Football Sunday sucked, and Warren is never going to let me live down the fact that his stupid Cowboys beat my Chiefs. At least not until next season when we pound on them. Lucky for Shorty, Pops, the kittens, our big screen and anything else within throw-pillow flinging range, I was down with a migraine for the last half of the game. That would be the half when the Chiefs decided to take a collective poo on the football field. There go any hopes of making it to the play offs. :(

We finally rented Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo and Shorty and I managed to actually stay awake during a Sunday Nite Movie! See, we're not so old!

My Kelly was in town, very briefly, on Monday evening, so I met up with her and the girls for a glass of wine at Lavelle's and got caught up on Patricia's crazy Vegas Bachelorette party. Damn! I knew I should have left Co-worker all alone in the office and gone anyway! >:( Poor Kelly - she needed someone to get up there with her and dance nekkid on the table! (Kidding, Shorty, I'm kidding!)

After leaving Lavelle's, I met up with Warren, Sheilah and Shorty at Brewsters for more brainstorming on Warren and Sheilah's wedding. I was good and had the Toasted Almond salad while Shorty ordered Mac N Cheese bites off the kids menu. I'm glad to see that he's finally accepted that he doesn't meet the height requirement for ordering off the grown ups menu and has resigned himself to a menu fashioned just for people his size! (I'm so getting beat when I get home! I love you! Sometimes!)

Last nite was our last soccer game of this season, and I finally scored another goal! I was too tired to climb into the jacuzzi tub when I got home, though, and I'm definitely feeling it today. My quads hurt! :(

Tonite I'm planning on taping off the entry way and at least starting to paint. We'll see how far I get on that!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Free to Insomniac Homeowers:

One fuzzy gray female kitten. Answers (when she feels like it) to Ariel. Enjoys chewing up wrapping paper, waking her owners up about 20 minutes before the alarm goes off by rubbing her head against your head, purring to rival a jet engine, tangling herself in your hair, pawing at the edge of the sheet until you lift it so she can crawl under, snuggling beneath the covers and pouncing on your toes, cuddling across your neck or throat and wrestling with her brother across the bed at 3 a.m. Has no concept of sleeping in on weekends. Is completely convinced that the Christmas tree is her personal plaything.

Please inquire within and send postage sufficient for next-day air. I may or may not poke air holes in the box, depending on the number of times she's knocked the Christmas tree down that day.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Check out my cute truck!

I takes balls (or a complete lack of shame) to advertise your sucky football team on your truck. Shorty's tried to warn me that those KC Chiefs decals are going to significantly lower the re-sale value, but I think after we take the Super Bowl in 2007 he'll be taking that snarky little comment back!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Dear Terrible Mother With Screaming Child:

I'm sorry that your child is teething, has indegestion, won't stop poking needles into his/her eye, passes the time by trying to develope his/her lung capacity or is just throwing a general temper tantrum. Having never had a baby myself, I'm sure it's rather trying and requires an unlimited amount of patience. I feel for you, I really do. Dedicating the remaining 50 or so years of your life to the child you helped create is a pretty big commitment, and, coming from someone who has issues choosing her toe nail polish because it may not go with the outfit she's planning on wearing tomorrow, that's a rather selfless and impressive decision. However. (Yes, here it comes.) Going hand in hand with the obligation of having a child comes the requirements of actually caring for that child. You can't just pop them out and expect them to take care of themselves. Crying is usually an indication that something is wrong and, as the child is not old enough to adequately express in words what the problem is, you get to play the guessing game of do I need to change a diaper, do I need to feed you, should I burp you, do you need to be cuddled, etc. Or so I've been told. As you've chosen to, instead, spend the past 30 minutes wandering around the store across the hall, giggling with your little friend, scoping out charms and checking out boys, I'm assuming that you must either be deaf or have the mental capacity of a container of peanut butter because, obviously, simply jiggling the baby carrier you're carrying isn't working!!! Now, those of us who have to work in the mall and are getting a first hand glimpse of your inadequate parenting skills are getting a little frustrated. I understand that kids cry. It's a perfectly natural, even expected, reaction. I'll admit I'm not the most qualified person to be giving you advice, but if the kid doesn't stop screaming after you jiggle the carrier, you may want to try something else, such as, oh, possibly actually paying some attention to the poor thing?? Maybe this is asking a little too much of someone of your obviously limited mental aptitude, but the sounds coming from that baby carrier aren't healthy. All of my maternal instincts are completely monopolized by my kittens, but even I am starting to become concerned. I don't quite know what to do with an upset baby at my current age, much less 10 years ago when I was your age, but I do know that there are books on parenting, which can be quite helpful. I suggest you read up on a few helpful solutions for how to make your baby stop doing his/her impersonation of a cat on fire before I am forced to cram my stapler in my ear!

I am officially Boring

I plopped myself down in front of my computer, (wrinkling my cute gray pinstriped slacks in the process - see, I do go through pain for you guys!) figuring that since I had some time to kill during lunch I'd bust out a quick update, and realized that - I've got nuthin. Nada. Zip. Zilch. The most exciting thing that's happened in my life since my last update of discovering Love Spell shampoo and conditioner is falling asleep on the couch with Shorty in the middle of Madagascar. Wow. Think I need to slow down a little! Can't keep this up much longer. Gone are the days of swilling wine during Calculus homework, making up funny new messages for the answering machine, busting out creepy stick and rock figures (think Blair Witch Project) to freak out the Boys Downstairs, or just partying down in the Arctic Barbie Beach House. I am officially old and boring. SOB!

I can't even redeem myself with plans for rowdiness tonite. I have a soccer game at 8pm. Then I get to go home, lift, straighten up the house, have cuddle time with Shorty and the kittens and go to bed. Tomorrow nite Shorty has a basketball game at 8:15, and after that we'll probably head home, have a few beers, watch a movie and go to bed. That's my big, exciting Friday nite.

The worst part is that I have no motivation to go out. Wow - getting old sucks!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Love Spell OVERLOAD!

OMG, ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!! You mean my hair can smell like Love Spell along with the rest of me??? Victoria's Secret does love me!!

Love Spell lotion, exfoliating scrub, shower gel and shampoo and conditioner??!! Now all I need is Love Spell scented oil that I can put in my truck (and all over my house) and my plans for world domination through smelling yummy will be complete!

Why, yes, I do smell wonderful!

This stuff is amazing! My hair feels so soft and silky and I can't stop sniffing myself! (Or flipping my hair into other people's faces and demanding that they, "sniff me!")

My newest hair product of the moment is Back to Basic's Coconut Mango shampoo and conditioner! You can tell me how much you adore me and how wondeful I am for suggesting it after you try it . . . ;)

I have to find a new bar????

The trainwreck that was the MNF game between Philly and Seattle was not exactly what I had hoped for on my last nite of drinking at CBI. I also hadn't counted on the bar running out of Corona, Bud Lite, Hefeweizen AND Budweiser, but I've learned that sometimes I don't always get my way. :P

In case you've been living in a cave for the past week, or you don't live in Fairbanks at all and aren't too terribly concerned about the tragedy that's befallen me, it's finally happened - the Captain Bartlett Inn, and, more importantly, the Dog Sled Saloon, home to volleyball players, basketball players, softball players and Ice Dogs pre and post game drink-a-thons is finally closing for good. Last nite was offically the last nite that the bar at CBI was open, and I can honestly say that we all did our damndest to drink the establishment out of alcohol. Except for me, of course, because I'm sweet and innocent.

It's been fun, it's been entertaining, it's definitely been a party, and now I have to find a new bar. SOB!

Good bye, CBI! We'll miss you! :(

I love my Chiefs again!! (plus dirty details on Affordable's Company Xmas Party 2005)

Denver is my second most hated team in the NFL, (the Raiders are number one, naturally) so I'm pretty stoked that my boys beat the poo out of them! And Tony G finally got some action! (besides what he does in my dreams . . . . )

In other news, Shorty's company Christmas party was lots of fun! We were a little rushed getting out of Fairbanks on Friday afternoon since our 2:00 p.m. flight was cancelled ('due to mechanical difficulties') and we had to hop the 12:50 flight, which I found out about at 11:00 a.m. . . . stress . . . and in the rush I forgot my cell phone! Pops dropped my phone off at Afforable and Sandy brought it to Anchorage with her, so I finally got my phone Saturday morning. Once we got to Anchorage, it was all good. We met up with Warren & Sheilah in the bar at the Hilton hotel, had lunch and then hit the 5th Avenue mall. We took it easy on Friday nite and just had beer and pizza in our hotel room and watched movies with Warren, Sheilah and Jimmy. We received a couple of invites to come out and get crazy, one of which was very difficult to decline since James Kelly demanded that his 'brotha from anotha motha' come out and play, (I knew Shorty was black!!) but Shorty and I realized that we are old and can't party like we used to, so we decided to save up for Saturday nite. Saturday morning and afternoon was filled with shopping, socializing and drinking at the bar before we headed up to our hotel room, changed for the party, and proceeded to consume our weight in alcohol and scalloped potatoes. ;) When the smoke finally settled from the gift exchange, the karaoke machine that Shorty had managed to dodge for the past two parties finally found a permanent home in Megyn's bedroom. I totally scored with a huge basket of coffee goodies, biscotti, and chocolate. After changing out of my party clothes, we had a brief foray into the familiar setting of the hotel bar before hitting up the Wood Shed for crazy, drunken partying, Affordable-style. I have to totally admit defeat this year - the Anchorage kids completely kicked our asses and Shorty and I Sally-ed out and were in bed by 1am. We were way outclassed in the Drink Until You Get Crazy catagory, but I'm going to better prepare myself for next year with the following gained experiences: Chugging 101, The Art Of Drinking Like You're Still In College, and How To Party Like A Porn Star, courtesy of Jeri, who enjoyed teasing me all nite about my lack of blonde hair! (I was continuously reassuring people that Shorty hadn't dumped the blonde bimbo - I was still the same bimbo from before, just newly brunette instead of 'look at me' blonde! ;) ) I'm so glad Shorty and I don't live in Anchorage because Jeri and I would have waaaaay too much fun and the town would be a smoking ruin by the time we were through! ;) Shorty and I woke up at the butt crack of dawn on Sunday, stumbled to the airport and hopped a plane back home, where we discovered that Shorty's Steelers had been torn apart by the Bengals. :( At least my boys won!

As always, it was a fun and silly experience getting together with the Affordable crew. Shorty and I have devious plans to crash the Anchorage Summer Party 2006, and hopefully this time we won't embarrass ourselves by drinking like 4 year old girls!

I'd rather be having a beer!