I don't wanna play anymore, I quit!
Holy crap! My life is nuts right now. Work is insane and is sucking my will to live. I've developed an unhealthy dependency on Lois Jadot Beaujolais and those little Snickers minis wrapped in the NFL foil. They're the only things that get me through the day.It's coming up to D Day for Sheilah & Warren's wedding and we have bridal showers and bachelorette parties to plan, shoes to order, dresses to get taken in, decorations to put together . . . my head is freaking spinning right now - and it's not even my wedding! If Shorty and I ever get married, we are eloping. There is no way I will ever deal with any of this ever again.It's summer so there are 8 million different things to get done with the house - and then we have to talk to our landscaper about transforming our yard from an unholy mud pit of dead grass, leaves and other nastiness and into an inviting, relaxing retreat from every day life. (Yes, I've been watching too much HGTV.)Softball's starting soon. It hasn't even started yet and I'm already stressed about it and trying to cram tournaments in between camping/fishing trips.Soccer just got over and tonite is the last nite of city league vball, so that craziness will be falling off of my list of Shit To Do.It's gorgeous and sunny outside and all I can think about is sprawling on a lounge chair with a margarita and relaxing. Maybe I'll have time to do that somewhere around August when all this insanity dies down . . .
Note to self: Don't Scratch Butt While At Work
I'm sure this has been going around the net, but I just thought I'd share . . . Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Texas. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won. "Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. "Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. "The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. "His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. "Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.""And whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: is this a "jellyfish bad" day?"
